September 2, 2010
Dear mom,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for responding to my letter. I’m pretty sure I was checking the mailbox every day since I sent you the last letter, waiting for a response, anything, from you like a child waits for Christmas morning to arrive. Every day, I checked the mail. And every day, until yesterday, I was disappointed. Yesterday, however, I was leafing through the mail when I saw your envelope, addressed to a Mr. Elijah Greene in handwriting that I was just beginning to recognize. I flipped it over and saw your address, neatly penned in medium black ink, probably a felt tip pen. I was excited, but also nervous. I’d been waiting for your response, but now I had to see what your reaction was to me. To Isaac. To everything. I was close to puking right there on the sidewalk.
Nevertheless, I rushed down our walkway and into the house. I quickly said hello to dad and then rushed up the stairs into my room. I threw my stuff onto the floor and jumped on my bed. I took my letter opener out from my drawer (I’m not one of those people who tears through an envelope. To me, they’re just as precious as the letter themselves) and carefully opened the letter. I pulled out your letter, two pages of standard sized letter paper that contained the words of a typed letter. I prefer to handwrite my letters, but that’s really a decision of personal preference. Then, I read the words, hoping that they would spell out an acceptance of me rather than a rejection.
I cried, mom. I really did after reading your response. You really have a way with words. I can understand that you feel responsible, but mom, it’s not your fault. I was always like this and whether you were here, there or anywhere, it wasn’t going to make a difference. I need you to know and understand that. I was always gay and always will be. There’s nothing you could’ve done to change that. And of course this process is going to take time. I didn’t expect you to go out and buy a rainbow flag to hang outside your house or anything. I simply wanted you to know and to accept that I’m your son, regardless of whom I’m attracted to. The understanding can take time. We can work on that together. I really love you, mom.
I’m glad I was able to tell you, but what now? Dad still doesn’t know and I know it’ll be a hard journey for him to fully understand me. I’m his only son, his only child. I’m afraid he’ll think he did something wrong too, even though in reality he had nothing to do with it. I’ve tried to tell him a few times, but I always back out. Maybe I just need some more time. Maybe I need to evaluate myself a little more before I’m at that point where I can start to tell other people.
Mom, I’m scared. I’m very worried too. I’m worried about that fact that who I am as a person is going to affect nearly every aspect of my life from this point on. That’s not right. That’s not right at all. Isn’t that what the founding ideals of America were supposed to prevent? For a nation built on the pillars of liberty and freedom, this country has been led by some pretty bigoted people. It’s not right that I have to be scared of being who I am in school because I have to be worried about how the kids I’ve been going to school with since kindergarten are going to react. It’s not right that colleges, not all of them, but some, will judge me based on my sexual orientation. The same thing goes for my career. And what if I meet someone who I love? What then? Gays can’t get married everywhere. We can’t be rewarded the same legal rights as straight couples. Why should I be penalized as a citizen of this country for something I didn’t choose? How can people say something is wrong if I was born like this? I just don’t understand. You can’t even understand, and you’re my mom.
Isaac has the same fears that I do. He’s just as scared as I am. He doesn’t express them as openly as I do, but I can tell that he’s scared too. Mom, I really like him. I haven’t known him very long, but what we have seems special. I know it sounds cliché and corny and immature, but it’s true. Isaac is not the first boy I’ve liked, but he is the first boy that I’m beginning to love as a person. He’s more worried about his family than I am about you and dad. He’s going to have a harder time in the world than I am. I can tell. He takes things very personally. We’ve sat at lunch together with a few other guys who’ve made fag jokes and I can just see the anger bubbling underneath the surface in him. The jokes hurt me too, but I understand that they’re the product of ignorance. He doesn’t understand that. It’s like every insult or joke he hears about it rips into him a little bit deeper. I want to help him. I want to be there for him and help him through it. I know I can’t make Isaac love himself, but I can love Isaac. Isn’t that what matters?
Speaking of Isaac, or writing of him, we went on our first date together last week. As I mentioned already, Isaac asked me to go to a movie with him about two weeks ago. I told him to call me later that night to set up a date and time, decide what movie, where to go eat, etc. The typical things that need to be decided when one goes on a date with someone else. And of course, as soon as we said goodbye and I hung up the phone, I needed to find the perfect outfit. I’d never been on an official date before. It was exciting, mom. Very exciting. I eventually decided to go urban casual the night of our date. I’m sorry, but I just love the way that sounds. I wore my dark green button down with all the fancy pockets and my favorite dark wash jeans. I spiked my hair, as usually, but left it a little less spiked than usual. I don’t know if I was getting lazy or if I just liked the way that it was hanging in my face a little bit. I didn’t want to add too much bling, so I just put on my silver cross that grandma gave me when I was a baby. It makes me feel comfortable and I needed that because my legs were just completely turning to jello. I sprayed myself with a bit of cologne, nothing musty but rather fresh and clean. A look in the mirror and I was done.
As I was walking down the stairs, dad saw me as he was walking back in the living room to watch the game. He laughed when he saw my outfit and asked me, “Where is mister hotshot going tonight?”
I froze and immediately got nervous. I felt myself blush and I decided being vague was the best way to go. I mumbled, “Out.”
“Out where?”
“On a date.”
“With who?”
“Someone.”
He laughed and told me to have a good time, and to make sure that I didn’t get home too late. I was very thankful for Dad’s lenience on my activities. Again, I hate lying to him. I hate lying in general. Sooner or later, I slip up and then everything turns to just complete and utter crap. It made me more nervous actually. Isaac said he didn’t want me to meet his family, so he’d meet me at the mall. We were both able to drive, so it really wasn’t an issue. I didn’t mind that Isaac didn’t want me to meet his parents yet. Everyone knew they were influential members in the town’s largest church. Dad and I aren’t very religious. We believe in the whole God thing, but we don’t go to church every Sunday. We get ready to watch football. Also, Isaac and I weren’t serious yet. If we got more serious, then we could talk about it. Right now though, it was time to have fun.
I drive a pretty cool car, mom. My dad said he’d buy me a used car if I could pass the road test in his stick shift on the first try. I studied so hard for that test, learning all of the gears and how to parallel park and do k-turns. I went in to take the road test and I did it nearly flawlessly. That’s another thing you missed mom. Dad was so impressed. We went to look at used cars and I found a really pretty Jeep that was affordable and had good mileage. Dad agreed and after talking to the salesman, he filled out all the paper work and made it all official for me. That’s the thing I really admire about Dad. He knows how to do things just right. He told me how proud he was of me and that I really deserved it. Making your father proud is perhaps the greatest feeling in the world. That’s why I’m afraid to tell him that I’m gay. I don’t want to disappoint him.
I was meeting Isaac in a mall that was about half an hour away. There’s a mall in our town that’s about five miles away, but everyone goes there. People would wonder, and as I said, Isaac and I aren’t ready for that yet. We want to enjoy each other first. Besides lying, I hated the feeling of feeling like I had to sneak around with Isaac. Like it was something that had to be hidden. I know we weren’t serious at all yet, but it still just didn’t feel right. The drive was long, dark and windy. As you know, mom, I live in New Jersey. In a small town in Bergen County to be exact. This mall was in New York a few miles past crossing the Tappan Zee Bridge. As soon as you cross it, the roads becomes very dark and windy. My hands were clenched on the steering wheel, as I was concerned about the chance of a deer darting out in front of my car. Finally, I saw the lights of the mall ahead and I immediately felt just a little bit safer. I pulled into a spot not too far from the entrance (it was a Tuesday night so it wasn't too crowded) and pulled out my cell phone as I entered the mall.
The Palisades Park mall is huge, at least for our area. It's not exactly the cleanest mall in the world, but it has a lot of neat stores, a Ferris wheel and a huge movie theater. Plus, it was a little out of the way from where Isaac and I live so we didn't have to worry as much about running into people we knew. That was a good feeling. I called Isaac and let him know that I was t the mall and that I'd meet him in front of the movie theater. He had just made it to the mall too and was coming in from another entrance. I waited for a few minutes on a bench outside the movie theater and watched people walk by. There were tons of families. A mother, a father and their children. I realized that Isaac and I would never be that if we were still together. We would never be that stereotypical family, unless of course...but no, we were both guys inside and out. One day I would be walking through a mall with another man and our adopted children. I hoped we would live in a world where that was more widely accepted by then, but I know it will never be perfect. I'll always get those looks one way or another from someone, whether they're an adult or a child. Mom, that scares me. But at the same time, I can't change who I am, so I'll just have to deal with it. I couldn't imagine being someone who I'm not.
Just as I was caught in philosophical thought, I saw Isaac walking towards me. I stood up and flattened out my shirt. I actually ironed it. I took out the ironing board and iron while dad went out with some of his work buddies to watch the game and ironed my shirt for tonight. I think grandma showed me how to iron once, and it just stuck. Isaac looked absolutely adorable to say the least. He was wearing some band's t-shirt with black skinny-legged pants and a pair of classic converse. He walked right up to me and laughed. We were both obviously excited.
“Oh my god. I hated the ride here, but now it's worth it. I can't wait until we can go to malls in our area, though,” he told me, only with a slight tone of flirtation. The butterflies quickly flew back.
I nodded, “The roads are so dark and windy. That's why we live in Jersey. I know. I'm going to tell people soon. I don't want to hold it in anymore. I'm ready.”
He nodded back, slowly, “I'm not ready yet. I don't know when I'll be.”
“Take your time. Only do it once you are.”
“Okay, Dr. Phil,” he laughed, flashing me a smile. I giggled back and we walked towards the ticket booth. The movie we settled on seeing started in about twenty minutes, so we decided to just grab some popcorn real quick and then get our seats in the theater. After much discussion, we settled on seeing The Other Guys. We had it narrowed down to that and Scott Pilgrim, but we decided Scott Pilgrim was more of a rent for the weekend kind of movie. Besides, The Other Guys looked hysterical. I don't know if you plan on seeing either movie, though. I don't know what your preference in movies is.
Luckily, both Isaac and I are middle of theater kind of people. I hate sitting in the front because the screen feels much brighter up there, not to mention it's much louder and your neck hurts after the movie from having to watch the movie from a practically vertical position. On the contrary, I don't really like the back either. I feel detached from the movie. The middle is the perfect balance, and Isaac agreed with my logic. We grabbed our seats and both smiled nervously at each other. We wouldn’t seem unusual anyway. No one here would think any different of the two of us. We just looked liked two guys who decided to go see a very funny movie together. That’s all. Right, mom? Still, Isaac looked tense and I was worried I was doing something wrong. I really don’t think that either of us really knew what we were doing. I was so worried that all of this was just some horrible mistake.
Isaac noticed. I don’t think anyone else noticed that I felt like I was going to puke except him. As the lights dimmed and the hour-long previews started, he grabbed my arm and whispered for me to just relax. I nodded slowly, but gosh, I was still as nervous as hell, which just made him giggle. Luckily, the movie immediately calmed my nerves. After about five or six previews for some very manly movies (I wondered how the group of girls who were sitting about three or four rows away from us felt about that), the film we came to see finally began. Within twenty minutes, Isaac and I were on the ground laughing with every one else in the movie. Everything suddenly felt much more comfortable. Isaac began to throw in his own jokes, whispering them in my ear during the movie. I suddenly didn’t care that I was in a public movie theater and began to whisper jokes back. No one could here us. They were private lines volleyed back and forth between the two of us in perfect harmony. It actually hurt to breathe by the end of the movie because I’d been laughing so hard. We finished every crumb of our popcorn and as soon as the credits appeared on the screen, we began to leave. As we were passing by some of the other people leaving as well, I heard a single word that felt like it was directed toward Isaac and I as we were laughing: Faggot.
I’ll admit, I am a profound lover of the English language, mom. I think that was established when I told you that I was looking for a book to read, on my own, in the classics section of the library. But with every thing of beauty, there is also an ugly side to it. And to this day, mom, I have not been able to discover a word that is more hurtful, degrading, and ugly as that. It hurts to write it because it’s such an insult to who I am as a person. I’ve seen other gay people toss it around casually, almost as a tease, and that just makes me sick. I don’t think Isaac heard it since he gave no indication of it, but it nearly made me sick. We’d come so far to be away from all the people we knew and yet, it didn’t seem as though it was far enough. The word burned in my mind for the rest of the night, leaving a scar on my memories of my first date with Isaac.
After the movie, we both decided we needed to go somewhere where we were certain that we would be alone. Because we couldn’t think of any parks that would be open late, we decided to go to the playground at the elementary school we’d both attended in our town. We both pulled in the parking lot at the same time and the memories just flooded back to me as we did so. I remembered the lines we used to walk in when we were in the hallways, the rainbow rugs in the kindergarten rooms, the colorful charts and graphs that hung on the walls. Most of all, I remembered the innocence of every one. For the most part, we all liked each other. We all played together at recess and played games in class. It wasn’t until we got older, until we really started observing, that we began to separate from one another into groups. It was a sad part of growing up, mom. It gives the same feeling as the moment when you realize Santa isn’t real or that your parents aren’t going to live forever. It’s a sadness of childhood that causes us to grow up just slightly, an imperceptible change in outlook on life.
The two of us walked silently to the bleachers in the back of the schoolyard by the baseball diamond. The air was cool outside but still had a warmness to it. We both sat on the third row of the bleachers in the dark. We were able to see each other, but not much else. It was calming.
“I really like you,” he told me softly, adding an air of intimacy to the conversation.
I laughed, “I like you too.”
“I just wish we didn’t have to sneak around like this. I mean…I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”
I sighed, “Me neither. I mean, I’m ready to come out. I just don’t know how exactly.”
“How will your parents take it? I mean, will you be okay?” he asked me, obviously concerned. I was able to feel his warm breath due to the proximity that we were sitting next to each other.
I thought for a second, and then answered, “I think so. I already told my mom, but I haven’t told my dad yet. My mom took it okay, I guess. I mean, she blamed herself for it and that hurt me a little bit, but we’re working on it. It’s a process. I haven’t told my dad yet. I’m not sure how he’ll react. What about yours?”
“That’s good. I’m glad your mom took it well,” he smiled at me, but then frowned, “I can’t tell my parents. They wouldn’t understand. And forget about my older brother Peter. I don’t know how to tell any of them. I just want to be with you.”
“This shouldn’t be so difficult.”
“I know.” We spent another hour talking to each other. We talked about everything; we talked about nothing. We talked about home; we talked about school. We talked about books; we talked about music. Our words filled the emptiness of the night. I was saddened when it was finally time to depart. We both stood up from the bleachers. I didn’t know what to do, but then I felt Isaac hug me. I didn’t know how to react for a second, but then I hugged him back. It was the greatest hug I’d ever received in my entire life. I felt safe and comfortable, especially since he was so much taller than me. After we separated I could still smell his wonderful citrusy cotton scent. He giggled about petit I was and then we walked back to our cars. I didn’t want to go back home, mom. I wanted to be with him forever. I know it’s really soon to say this, but I think I’m falling in love.
Lovingly from your son,
Elijah (Eli) Greene
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