More Sneak Peek

October 29, 2010 Dear mom, I have something really important that I want to tell you. Well, two things. I know that I mentioned that I would tell dad that I'm gay soon. I've tried to a few times, but I always got too nervous. I would be sitting with him, eating dinner or watching a game, and it would be on the tip of my tongue. At the last second, my nerves would always tie up and I'd be completely unable to say anything about it. But, I finally did it. We were watching the football game two Sundays ago in the den. I just had a feeling that I needed to get it over with. I needed to have the pressure lifted off my shoulders. I was so tired of having to hide Isaac like he was my cell phone in class. You're allowed to use it as no one else finds out sort of thing. Plus, I tell dad everything. It was ripping me apart inside that I had to keep such a huge part of my life away from him. This was it. As soon as the game went to commercial, I turned to him and stammered, “Dad. There's something I really need to tell you.” “What is it, Elijah?” He seemed concerned and I almost backed out of it, but I couldn't. This was it. I had to do it. I wouldn't back out again. “Dad,” I started, struggling to find the right words. I began to sweat and I fumbled with my fingers for a second, “I know I'm your only son and all, but--. Dad, I'm gay. I like boys.” Dad put down his newspaper, sensing that he was beginning what would be a very serious discussion. He adjusted his glasses and then looked at me straight in the eyes, “Son. You know all of the times that I've told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me no matter what?” “Yeah, I do,” I responded nervously. It was my dad's way of telling me he loved me when I was growing up. I'm not sure if he did it when you were still around or if it was something he started to do once you left. He looked at me again sternly and I became very nervous, “Eli, I meant it and I still do. Whatever or whoever you are, I'll just have to accept it.” Without thinking, I hugged my dad and he continued, “Now, it'll take me a little bit of time to get over the shock, but I think it's manageable. You'll still watch the games with me, right? This doesn't change that?” He laughed as he said the last part, a sign that he was trying to lighten up the mood. “Of course, Dad. I'll still watch the games with you. I'm still me. I'm still your game buddy,” I laughed, “And dad, it's okay if you need time. I don't expect you to go out right now and buy a rainbow flag to hang from the porch. But, dad, I'm really glad you reacted this way. I was worried...” “I don't want to be that person,” he smiled, his eyes shadowed with a slight feeling of remorse, “I already drove your mother away. I don't you to go away too. I wouldn't care if you turned out to be a green fungus eating space alien from a distant planet. I love you.” “Aw, thanks dad. That's gross, but sweet. I love you too.” I hugged him from across the couch, and he was a bit surprised at first. We didn't hug much. But he hugged me back. “No problem. Now what's his name, then?” “What?” “Your boyfriend. You've been acting happier than a dog with a lifetime's supply of bones. Now, what's his name?” I laughed nervously, thinking of his blonde hair and big green eyes, “Isaac.” “Okay,” my dad thought about it for a second and then continued. He still had a smile on his face, “And when do I get to meet Mr. Isaac?” I was shocked, but happy. I stammered, “You want to meet Isaac?” “Yes. Find out when he can make it to dinner and he can come over. Now, are you two--?” “Dad, we don't have to go there. But no, not yet at least.” He rubbed the top of my head, messing up my hair, “Okay, son. Now let's watch the rest of the game. Sound good?” After that, I felt a huge amount of weight taken off my shoulders. I could breathe. It felt good, and I was the happiest I'd ever been as we watched the rest of the game. Dad still loves me, and by now, he's really okay with it. At least he hasn't given any indication that he's not. As soon as the game ended, I went upstairs and called Isaac. It felt good to hear his voice on the other line, “Eli? What's up?” “I told him, Isaac.” “Told who what?” Isaac paused to think. I was going to tell him, but then he said, “Holy shit, did you tell your dad tonight?” “I did. I told him.” “Eli, congrats. You're out. How did it go?” “Really good, actually. I'm so happy. He still loves me. It's not exactly going to be entirely easy, but he understands. He asked about you.” Isaac laughed, “He did? He knew you were seeing someone? Is he okay with it?' “He wants to meet you. As soon as possible.” “Okay. Are you doing anything next Saturday?” “No, we'll be home watching the game. It's a date?” “Oh, Eli. You're so cute. Yes, it's a date. I can't wait to meet Mr. Greene.” “Thanks, Isaac. See you tomorrow.” He told me goodbye and I hung up the phone. I ran downstairs and asked if it was okay with dad. He said of course and told me he couldn't wait to meet Isaac. It was a good feeling, and I made plans for the next day. I told my school about my homosexuality (I both hate and love that word) today. It was time to do so. Dad knew, and he accepted me. That's all that mattered. Now, I wanted to just be open about it. I don't like to keep my feelings all bottled up, and I'm pretty sure that's quite obvious. I felt so much better anyhow just from telling dad. I knew that I only needed to tell a small group of people. News like mine is very potent in the school environment. I decided to make an announcement to my homeroom when the teacher stepped out of the class to make copies. Taking advantage of this opportunity, I went to the front of the room and stood behind her podium. I just needed to get this over with. Almost yelling, I announced, “Homeroom. Can I have your attention for one second?” Everyone immediately stopped talking and stared at me. I told Isaac that I was going to come out that day, but I didn't tell him how. I saw him looking at me and he mouthed, “Now? Here?” from his seat. I smiled and he put his head down on the desk. I got nervous again. I don't know why I get nervous, but I had the feeling it had to do with the fact that two words would change my life forever. I continued, but my voice was shaking, “Guys, I have something important to tell you guys. I'm gay.” No one said anything immediately, so I sat back down in my seat and took out my binder. Isaac picked his head up and looked at me. He whispered, “You're insane. I wish I was more like you.” I laughed. During class, I caught pretty much every person in our class look at me at one point. I saw a few people look at me and then whisper to their friends. I saw a few people texting and I couldn't help but wonder if it was my news that was being wirelessly spread throughout the entire school. It must've been because by lunch, our entire lunch table knew. I'd been getting looks in the hallway all day. I did my best to ignore them. Isaac did his best to tell me I did the right thing. I wasn't so sure anymore what was right and what was wrong. Lunch, however, was an unpredicted test of my power to control myself in a public setting.